Asbestos Dave

There is an Asbestos Dave at every university. In fact universities are filled with them – Asbestos Dave characteristics tend to reveal themselves when class A drugs have been consumed. These guys have got all the latest gadgets despite talking about how broke they are, they’ve travelled the world… you will not impress Asbestos Dave - essentially he has done everything you have but better and on drugs.

This is a snippet. Just to fill you in - Bernard is 65, newly single and attending Sussex University. One day it will all make sense.

ASBESTOS DAVE

So what sort of shit are you into? Commercial or explorative?

BERNARD

Explorative? I’m not really into music. Bit of soul, motown, ya know. But I can put up with anything really, if it’s shit I can just turn off this baby! (BERNARD pulls out his hearing aid).

ASBESTOS DAVE

Cool.

BERNARD

WHAT? Hah, I’m joking. You’ll probably need one of these one day, that fuckin’ stuff on so loud all the time.

ASBESTOS DAVE

I only listen to what my body tells me is right. If my body said don't listen to it so loud I wouldn't. So… I probably won’t go deaf. It’s just about listening to your body. (he laughs) Your body won’t hurt itself you know.

BERNARD

Maybe you just can't hear it! What have you taken? You’re mental!

ASBESTOS DAVE

Not a lot. I’m trying out some shit from a friend of mine. Have you seen my mixer? It’s pretty much the most expensive you can get. Check this out.

ASBESTOS DAVE plays with the music, turning down the bass, then the treble and finally flicking the cross fader rapidly.

ASBESTOS DAVE

Not a lot of people have seen me mixing properly. I just do it when there’s no-one around. I hate showing off but this tune is sick. Have you heard this before? Gravity.

BERNARD

Nah. I like a bit of Marvin Gaye myself.

ASBESTOS DAVE

Yeah I got a Marvin Gaye Coldsnatch Remix. Sick. Do you want a spliff? I’ve got some Mongolian squidgy black and I’m pretty sure it’s cut with Oxo. Tastes amazing.

BERNARD

I’m alright with my Drum ta.

ASBESTOS DAVE

Drum’s cool. Yeah. I’m gonna skin this big style.

BERNARD

Sorry mate?

ASBESTOS DAVE

I was just saying I’m going to use two rizlas to skin up. Have you seen anyone do it before? Watch me if you want. I can do it perfectly every time.

BERNARD

You go for it son.

ASBESTOS DAVE

I might order a pizza. I can’t be fucked to cook. Ever.

BERNARD

I’m not much of a cook meself. The wife used to sort it out, we had a good little arrangement me and her. I’d do the washing up. Every Wednesday she would say to me, it’s your turn to cook, Wednesday night is your night… And every Wednesday I’d tell her to fack off! HA! She was a good girl.

ASBESTOS DAVE

Awesome. Smell that? Smells like absolute vibe is about to get caught. What? I thought you said something. I could cook if I wanted to - if I wanted to I could make you the best lobster you have ever tasted in your life. Just can not be fucked.